Joke Corner!! add your jokes here

Man in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a gun, "OPEN THE F***ING SAFE" he shouts to the manageress.
He then says "NOW TAKE A SAMPLE OUT AND DRINK IT" she drinks it and wipes her mouth, Sudenly, the man takes of his mask to reveal it is her husband.
He says "See it is not that f***ing difficult is it?"




Jack and Jill were just married jack took of his trousers and said to Jill try these on.
Jill said "they're to big."
Jack said "EXACTLY!! I wear the trousers in this marriage and always will,"
Jill said "try my knickers on,"
Jack said "i will never get into them"
Jill said "EXACTLY!, And if you dont change your f***ing attitude you never will !",

I got a new job at the samaritans the other day

i tried to phone in sick but the bastards talked me out of it!!!


haha

Whats the difference between a Dead Hooker and a Bag of Onions ?


I cry when i cut up onions

A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

Here ya go, by the way, i loved your joke meany Hilarious
Right anyway,

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are too small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

a teacher is asking her primary school students about stories with morels

after going around the class she asks young jimmy if he knows any stories with morels, after thinking for some time jimmy reples

" well miss, during the war my grandfather was in a fighterplane over enemy territory when his plane was shot down. He parachuted out and as he was coming down, he drank a bottle of whiskey in one hand and shot 40 enemy soldiers with the gun in his other hand. upon landing he fist fighted and killed a further 30 enemy soldiers and secured the area"

the teacher thinks about this and replies
" but jimmy, what is the morel to this story?"

to which jimmy replies

"simple miss, dont fuck with my grandad when hes drunk"

jabbawonga wrote:

a teacher is asking her primary school students about stories with morels

after going around the class she asks young jimmy if he knows any stories with morels, after thinking for some time jimmy reples

" well miss, during the war my grandfather was in a fighterplane over enemy territory when his plane was shot down. He parachuted out and as he was coming down, he drank a bottle of whiskey in one hand and shot 40 enemy soldiers with the gun in his other hand. upon landing he fist fighted and killed a further 30 enemy soldiers and secured the area"

the teacher thinks about this and replies
" but jimmy, what is the morel to this story?"

to which jimmy replies

"simple miss, dont fuck with my grandad when hes drunk"

How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
If the girl has to chew, before she swallows

How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her

What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
They both cost a hundred pound and if the rubber breaks youre screwed

Husband admiring his naked body in the mirror, says to wife "Look at that, 12 stone of pure dynamite".
Wife replies "F***ing shame about the 2 inch fuse".

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark, After 20yrs wife turns on light, finds him holding a vibrator, She goes balistic. You impotent B***ard!
How could you lie to me all these years? Husband looks her straight in the eye and calmly says I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

Kira wrote:

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark, After 20yrs wife turns on light, finds him holding a vibrator, She goes balistic. You impotent B***ard!
How could you lie to me all these years? Husband looks her straight in the eye and calmly says I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.

Harry- Docter Docter im BLIND!
Sam-im not a docter im a waiter the docter is just across the road where most of our customers go after there meal

Harry goes to the docter

Harry- Docter docter im BLIND!
Docter- your not blind you twat you pick the glasses off a blind person yesterday which made you think you was blind!
Harry-So y did i come here yesterday?
Docter-BECAUSE YOU KEPT ASKING ME Y YOU COUND'T KEEP ASKING Y ALL THE TIME!
Harry-y...

"Why did the gnome laugh constantly whilst walking through Elwynn Forest? "

"Cos the grass was tickling his balls"

I know it's a classic, but I'd hate to think someone here hadn't heard this one.

Sitting outside his Teepee an Americaan Indian father is approched by his son with a curious look on his face.

"Father why am I named the way I am" asks the boy.

"well son" replies his father...
"When you older bother was born, we looked outside the teepee door and we saw a howling wolf...so we named him Howling wolf...."
"Then when you sister was born, we looked outside the teepee door to see a rising moon, so we named her Rising moon...."

"Anyway.....why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking??"

Always loved that one

Dad and Dave took Mabel up in their light aircraft for a joyride.

After flying along for about 5 mins, the engine starts to sputter and they begin to plumet to the ground......

In a panic Dad says to Dave, " Quick Dave get the parachutes!!"

Dave turns back to him and says "but theres only 2 here....what about Mabel!!??"

"OH FUCK MABEL!!" yells Dad

Dave stops and looks and says

"You think we got time?"

theres always time...you;ve just gotta prioritise haha

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

Kira wrote:

When girls don't put out!!

This was written by a guy...

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women
differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women
with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:


One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend
time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
"Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine,
honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the
excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I
don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

PMSL

i shall have to remeber that one and try it on the wife

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting dead?



Why
do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not
enough money?



Why
does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check
when you say the paint is wet?



Why
doesn't glue stick to the bottle?



Why
do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



Why

doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Why
does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver
at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



Whose
idea was it to put an 'S' in the word ! 'lisp'?



If
people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



Why
is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always
white?



Is
there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



Why

do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?



Why
do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner,
then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum
one more chance?



Why

is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



How
do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



When
we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then
apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all
right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'



Why
is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table
you always manage to knock something else over?



In
winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we
complained about the heat?



How

come you never hear father-in-law jokes?



And - my favourite....

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from
some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're
okay, then it's you.

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

Bozo's Big Beautiful Ass

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
"Anywhere I go, she goes."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her." So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.
''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.
''One thousand dollars for the food.''
''But I haven't touched the food."
''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."
''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."
''But I slept on the floor!''
''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."
''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''
''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''
''It was there. You should have!''

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

christ cindy you need to step away from the pc! lol

all very funny though


i loved the "Hold me " one

Temujin wrote:

christ cindy you need to step away from the pc! lol

all very funny though


i loved the "Hold me " one

you could tell I was bored then Rob!!

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another
Man on her nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry….. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."