Speeches

As a few of you know im best man at a wedding this weekend, ive posted a copy of the speech ive wrote, can anyone find faults or recommend any changes

cheers

strophic

I hope you made the best of that mate it’s the last time as a married man that you will get to speak for 3 minutes without being interupted

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.............

I’m Mark and I am Ross's Best Man and pretty nervous about making this speech .

When preparing this speech, i was told,
It shouldn’t last any longer, than it takes the Groom to make Love to his new wife.

So thank you very much and have a lovely evening! """Sit down""""

I'd like to say that Erica and Ross appreciate all of you being here today, relatives, old friends and new friends and as a scotsman myself, i fully understand how far people will travel for a free meal and a couple glasses of wine.

I would like to say a little about being best man. I feel the title “best man” says a bit too much. The way I see it, if I am best man, what the hell is Erica doing with Ross. So I think I will be happy just saying that I’m a pretty good man, and Ross can be the best man tonight

I have also taken my best man duties very serious, it was my job to make sure that Ross got here on time... which he did… to ensure that he looked smart for a change …. I think you will all agree he does…… to make sure he had a good breakfast too calm his nerves… which he did….. and to make sure that he got an early night and a good nights sleep… and i can assure you that he slept like a baby…. He wet the bed 3 times and kept waking up crying for him mommy.

One of the main duties of the best man, besides embarrassing him, is to introduce you all to the groom. That’s him there. . And to fill the speech with tales that’ll make your hair curl and make his go grey, [Look at ross] Looks like I’m just in time on that score. [Pause]. For example tales of his antics as a young lad – the marathon pub sessions and his uncanny ability to stagger home from most of them [Pause] His various rashes and where he caught them from…. [Pause]

Then I introduce the calming influence that the bride had on our young hero, her mighty struggle to calm a man with an approach to life that combined ape-like urges with gay abandon. [Pause] But I can’t possibly cover everything, so I just intended just to cover the Gay Abandon bit [Pause] however Ross warned me off breathing a word about Julian, so I can’t do that.

Then, I wanted to tell you bloodcurdling tales about the stag night– the drunkenness, the fleshpots, the blue flashing lights, all that sort of thing. But…. as the court cases come up on Monday, I’m not allowed to.
If you’re interested you can see me on Tuesday. You’ll probably catch me in Peterhead prison. I’ll be the one sharing a cell with Throat Slasher McGurk.

So, I decided to get some Romantic stuff, And with that in mind, I asked Ross what he wanted from the Marriage, and he said, “Lifelong love and happiness” I then asked Erical the same question and her reply was “a Perky Copulator” [Pause – study notes closely]. Sorry! It’s my bad handwriting, [pause] that should be “coffee percolator.”. Ross has fallen on his feet there, [pause] He’s married everyman’s Dream….a woman with an un-natural desire for Kitchen appliances. Sorts out the Birthday gift problems – Steam Irons, Toasters, Waffle makers – and knowing Ross, she’ll never be disappointed in that department at least!.

I also asked Ross's mum and dad Kenny and Marjorie if they had any cute photos of Ross that I could
show today.... They said there was this really sweet photo of him lying on a sheepskin rug, eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling......I was going to get it blown up so i could show you all today, but then I thought it might be too embarrassing as it was only taken last Christmas.

OH i nearly forgot, but Erica has got a nickname for Ross.......he's called holiday boy.............apparently he's good while he lasts, but she wishes he was longer..

Now, i have know Ross for approximatley 14 years, since he was 15 and unfortunatley i didn't have any humorous stories to tell about his younger school years................... until now.

Its amazing what a little bit of investigating can turn up.

At play school ross was a slow starter....... he was different from all the other 4 year olds.........He was 11 !!

By the time he was at secondary school, it seems his teachers were getting very concerned about his performance..... he wasn't so much falling behind.....he was getting lapped.

Also after speaking to his parents, i asked what they thought he would be when he left school, their usual reply was about 26!

Now i am aware that this gives a slightly negative view, and i feel that as his bestman i must come to his defence and say that in all the time i have known him i can honestly say no-one has ever questioned his intelligence. in fact i have never heard anybody mention it.

Now to bring the speech to a conclusion i thought i'd offer a few wee pieces of advise.

1. Dont leave the toilet seat up
2. Remember birthdays and aniversarries
3. Dont leave the toilet seat up. i know ive already said this but it gets me in so much trouble that i thought it would be worth mentioning it again.
4. Keep tellin Erica those 3 special words......."your right dear"
5. Most importantly make sure you get on with your mother in law. to start with i didn't speak with mine for 6 months. it wasnt because i didnt like her its just that i thought it was rude to interupt.

thank you verymuch for allowing me to ramble on but i have some cards to read out now.


blah, blah, blah


And finally ladies and gentlemen would you please be upstanding and raise your glasses

I give you the bride and groom.

Well done Stroph That is a brilliant speech,

hope all goes well for you and dont get too drunk before reading it....

like it mate.....

but unlike kira i say Aim for that drunkeness that gives u a warm glow.

too little booze and you`ll be stuttering like porkey pig, too much and you`ll probably go on a tangent and actually give names to those rashes


have a good time mate and dont do any of the things i said before.




P.S. i used this because i have no idea where you could actually fit it in anywhere?

Congratz m8.. nice speech, well it made me laught anyway
have a few before you do it and you will be a blast
have fun

Well just to say the speech went down a storm with everyone.


You know when you've done well when you have to stop your speech to wait for everyone to stop laughing.

Glad its over though.

Well done mate..i thought your nerves were defiantly not called for, as long as you didnt get smashed it was always going to be a belter with that kinda writing.